frailty

I’ve had an awful afternoon. Every few months circumstances conspire to reveal my deepest, most contemptible flaws – 1) my hideous inability to make decisions and my tendency to avoid them until they are made for me, and 2) my obstinate inability to actually do anything about it. They are flaws that will, when all is said and done, have defined my life and everything I did (and didn’t do).

Basically, today I couldn’t decide if I wanted to chill out with a friend here in LB over beers and Wimbledon, or drive into Manila for dinner with D, K (D’s friend) and M (my friend who has hooked up with K). I felt a bit like I was letting people down either way (although everyone would have been perfectly fine if I didn’t join them) and so I faffed and ummed and erred and in the end I stressed D out and that made me feel bad and stupid, which stressed and frustrated her more, and it kept snowballing until all of a sudden it’s a major drama. At that point, another positive feedback feeds into the system: i.e., I realise how absurd it is that such a minor decision has blown up into this, so I get down on myself for being so crap – especially over something so insignificant in the greater scheme of things. That makes me ashamed, given that there are how many millions of people who are struggling to find a cold lump of rice and an antibiotic. Snowball number two. The snowballs crash into each other which makes a much bigger snowball that rolls faster, accelerates quicker and picks up more and more snow.

Anyway – I’ve just got off the phone to D and we are fine, apart from her feeling drained and me harbouring a healthy dose of self-contempt.

This doesn’t happen that much. Generally I’m boringly stable. Deep down I know this is just part of being human – everyone has their equivalents. Doesn’t stop me feeling embarrassed and ashamed though.