Thursday, July 27, 2006

the scatology files (more of them!)

Please note that my scatological posts are always in context and are NOT gratuitous.

This is the perfectly reasonable, if slightly awkwardly worded, sign posted on the inside of the door in the cubicle in the men’s toilet nearest my office. An appeal to one’s better nature when nature calls.

(My only questions are on the importance of keeping the toilet seat cover dry -- wouldn't it be better to keep the toilet seat dry? Though keeping the cover dry is a good thing, too -- I'm all for that. AND -- do you love the euphemistic use of the word "it"? Rhymes with...)

It is here that I perform my most important task each weekday at around 9am.

You may think that the reason behind this sign is that we are all man-child savages here, who don’t flush. Not so! It’s because the FLUSH ACTION is rather poor and often inadequate. (A common occurrence in these parts, let me tell you. The loo at home often requires up to five – yes five – flushes after a particularly healthy release).

Occasionally, one flush does the trick at work. More often, two flushes are the go. Thus, I have a simple routine: flush – wash hands – flush. The cistern refills during the hand-washing phase. Simple but brilliant. Brilliantly simple!

Today, though, my one true fear came to light. I’m a thinker, you see. Months ago, when I devised my system, my analytical abilities allowed me to PROJECT FORWARD INTO HYPOTHETICAL SITUATIONS. I presciently realised that there was a chance that somebody might enter the cubicle DURING THE HAND-WASHING PHASE.

Today, I shudder to report, this happened. MOREOVER, the perpetrator/victim (YOU decide which) was B, the bizarre, retentive editor.

I watched helplessly from the hand basin. I saw him pause. I saw him enter. I got the fuck out of there.

Let us never speak of this again.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

So much to ponder for a Friday.
a) any use of the term 'scat' is to be commended
b) despite the drip-action, the fact that there is a toilet seat at all is positive (my experience in Asia have been drops in the main)
c) 5 this related to the cafe food?
d) The bizarre editor probably thought "dangling modifier...this one's a doozy!"


1:19 pm  
Blogger secret wombat said...

Bunkie's back! This is good.

a) I like to think of myself, at times, as a scatman.

b) Yes - toilet seats (especially those that are fixed and don;t slide around under weight) are a grand luxury.

c) Most likely. I have considered changing the sign to the old chestnut: "Please flush twice - it needs to get to the canteen."

d) Yes, and in a completely irony-free way.

3:46 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Bear 2,

Does the fact you go back for a second flush cancel out the good work you've done washing your hands after pootime?

Well, I guess not, considering this is the man that once told me, "i'm offended by people telling me to wash my hands after urinating. I have a clean cock and if I don't piss on it then it's fine not to wash my hands."

I've never eaten anything he's prepared since.

12:49 pm  
Blogger secret wombat said...


1) No it DOESN'T cancel out the good work, because I use a piece of paper towel to PROTECT me from any nasty germs lurking on the loo handle. So there.

2) My cock is obviously cleaner than yours (assuming you have one - that's not a blokey insult, by the way - I just don't know if you're a man or a woman).

3:06 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aaah dude, you clearly didn't master the flushing technique yet. Where are the good old days when the reservoir was attached 2 meter high, and you had to dash as soon as you pulled that little chain.

10:00 pm  

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